short little update
Its been a long week. Pretty much just working and sleeping. I'm excited to sleep in this weekend but I work on Monday so no three day for me, but I get paid double on Holidays so Thats pretty sweet. I did the P90X ab work out yesterday.. not feeling it yet... :( I may need to up the reps or work harder already. lol. the New roommates and I are thinking about going down to San diego for saturday but I don't know for sure yet.. I can't really afford anything right now so I doubt I'll go.

Anyways, thats about all...
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forest dream
i pivot slowing to see how the world has turned against me
stepping on slippery rocks as the current pushes me back
my bare feet sliding across the slick, smoothened rocks.
having been tumbled for centuries, i can take comfort in knowing they are smooth in the wisdom of the river.
i walk forward fighting against the force unstoppable
yet, i should be unstoppable too.
water drips from my skin as i step onto the earthy bar
droplets line and graze my naked skin
a smouldering steam lifts from the river as the heat rises,mixing with the impending storm.
twigs and moss line the ground
and the dirt sticks to the bottoms of my toes.
spread my arms out
a diameter of me.
the sky is muddied by graying clouds
Serene and unforgiving
the jade trees sway as a light wind blows my hair
a chill thrilling my spine
a sphere of browns, greens and grays, my earth swallows me whole
nothing here lighting like a LCD screen
the only lights are the overcast twinkles of rain on the greenery.
tears begin to fall from the natural ceiling
my eyelashes blink away the rain
walk to the trees for protection as i fold my wings in and watch my world with perfect contentment.

I thought I'd write about an image I often imagine. There was a place kinda reminds me of this and once when camping I took my neice and nephews to see it. I told them it was where the fairies lived. It was along a small stream on an overcast day. the ground was covered in moss and twigs and it felt like fairies really could live there. anyways, my poems probably suck but i thought i'd try to work more on the imagery of the scene as oppossed to the emotions surrounding it. Anyways, have a good weekend and be safe.
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OLD SPICE and RAIN
I miss the smell of Old Spice and cigarettes. I truly think its the best smell in the world. Nothing can calm me down faster than the smell of a Marlboro and the lingering hint of old spice. Nothing smells as sweet and musty. Getting pulled into a tight hug, this smell envelops me and i want nothing more than to stay here forever. Its a smell I associate with trust, fun, laughing. intelligence, friendship and love. Not the kind of love that is romantic, but the kind of love that is friendship, brotherly/sisterly love. Knowing he will always be there for me... knowing he sees my crazy and still hangs around and calls me friend. Saving me from myself when no one could. Old Spice and Cigarettes.... Dax.


a poem about the old days when I just got my car..

"Driving in a old car, beaten and having seen better days, much like the driver.
Gray hues collapse onto mountain tops and the wipers sweep away the rain.
Fast paced moving.. down town skyscrapers still fall prey to gods tears.
Windows stained and dripping onto the crowd of umbrellas below.
My car is fast enough to get me to the canyon roads, with fall colors shaped by wetness.
I think of where I've been and where I'm at.
All I know is where I'm going, and that's towards the darker cloud's safety in danger.
reckless enough to take my time and rational enough to know better.
The trees and mountain walls line this two lane hwy, and my headlights are on, leading me back to where you and I were..
the memories of dancing in your arms. smelling crisp and fresh rain.
take me back to you.
This road may lead no where but it has helped me see past my fears and onto the rainy day ahead. "
I'll go home and sit curled up looking out the tear stained window and wait for you to come back to me. "
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"I Only Want Good Things in My Life. I Deserve Light, Faith And Trust In Every Aspect. I Will Live With Dignity, And Expect The Same Of Those Around Me. I Will Find Myself, And The Happiness Within."

I put that in quotes., but I'm the one I'm quoting (lol)...


My dear Friend Jen is having a pretty hard time right now and So I told her that, telling her it was what she needed to remember and live by. And, I think I'm right... I think these are the things we all should remember... myself included. Often times, we get comfortable, even if its taking comfort in pain, or even dull numbing. I've seen it many times where for some reason we as humans don't believe there could be better, we stay in sometimes abusive, sometimes null, sometimes dramatic, sometimes saddening relationships... all because there is comfort in that person being with you, already knowing you. Some times we stay for the ideal of love. Sometimes we stay for financial reasons.. but I think there is more.


More times then not, leaving a situation you aren't happy in, but comfortable in.. its very hard. There is guilt, anger, pain, love, release, tension, recklessness, impulsiveness and everything can feel like a rollercoaster of emotions. But I know that once you make it thru all those emotions and resolve to only keep the good things in your life.. things will get better.


Maybe we stay in such relationships because we feel we don't deserve better.. we all do. If anything look at it this way.. if you love that person, truly love them, don't you want them to have what could make them happier, because chances are.. if you are unhappy, they probably are too. and Then you are just two comfortable beings afraid to hurt the other with "selfishness" in a sense to let go and find the light and trust within.


Part of living with dignity is being honest with your self. and holding others to the expectations you hold yourself. you wouldn't cheat, lie, steal, manipulate... why would you tolerate that in those around you?


We are all fighting our own battles... but as we fight we must remember what we are fighting for. It's our happiness, our lives.. take control today.


I know that this is hard to do. taking your life and changing it for a path unknown is scary but liberating at the same time... it may not always be easy, especially at first, but in the end you will be in a different place and happiness will be found. There is a book called the Four Agreements.The first chapter is a bunch of hippie weird stuff but after that.. its a book that'll change your life. When you decide to take control.. read it.. it'll help you on your path to personal happiness and love. I swear by this book, it is truly amazing and eye opening to human habits.


Sorry if this seems a little preachy.. I don't mean it to be that way.. I just love so many of you and When I ask how you are doing, you say you are unhappy with something or other.. and I just want you all to know, that regardless of where you are at in life.. you deserve to have only Good Things in your Life. You Deserve Light, Faith And Trust In Every Aspect and to find The Happiness Within. You really do.


I had a very hard time with this for a very very long time and in fact I still do. I felt I didn't deserve happiness, I took comfort in the pain of being alone because I knew that feeling.. and I'd rather of had pain then risk the chance that happiness would leave. I felt I wasn't good enough to be in any one's life and that I was often just floating by. I wasn't proud of my accomplishments because they were all to fill the expectations of others. I was ruled by others emotions towards me and always trying to prove myself.. instead of proving me to.. well me. I read the four agreements and decided to live by them.. i posted the essential of the agreements above.. but read the book, anyways.. I know the hard paths that life leads us on and we all fight our own battles. I guess I just wish you luck on your individual paths to greatness, and hope you know that no matter what you are not alone..
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planning!
So Yesterday was a good night. I made myself a list of grocery items and planned out meals. So I'm pretty proud of myself. I now have a list of all the foods I need to make Chicken Cordon Bleu with Cheese Broccoli, Chicken Parmesan with Spaghetti and Salad with Garlic Bread, Cheese Enchiladas with Wild Rice, French Toast with Eggs, Baked Potatoes with Steamed Veggies, and Grilled Cheese with Tomato Soup. Today I will go thru the paper at work and thru my coupons at home and see what I can find to make my food buying experience a bit cheaper. :)
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clubbing and missing
So this weekend I went to my first L.A club. Gotta say.. serious let down. The music (the DJ more specifically) totally sucked. it was crowded but no one was dancing and it was way over priced to park and to get in. I was shocked.. The clubs in Utah were far better than this "stand and sway to crappy music" place. I went with my roommates and it was way fun to hang with them but like I said the club... wow it sucked.

The rest of my weekend was mostly spent catching up on sleep. reading and just hanging out.

I know I go on and on about how I miss my Owen But last night I was just hanging out and I suddenly thought about the first day I got him.. I put on classical music (they say it makes babies smarter, so i figured why not!?!) in the car and he rode on my lap the whole way home. He got car sick and it was sad but still cute. He was such a little fluff ball. That night My niece and Nephews came to see him and we were trying to decide on names.. the kids kept on wanting to play with him and he'd just tuck his tail between his legs and hide behind me.. Even then I was the one he hid behind... I decided to name him Owen because a) it kept up with the English named dog bit... (the other two are Riley and Nigel) and b) because he seemed so timid. It's been almost a year since I got him and I wish so so so bad he could have moved with me. Anyways, yeah. I just miss my baby.

well that's about it..
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Salt Lake Trip
My Salt Lake rainy sunset pic


my Cute Nephew H.!! and my Salt Lake rain clouds.

I was shocked to find out that people actually read my blog!! I spent the last week in SLC and St. George and my dear friend Jeanene told me I don't hardly write on here.. I"ll try to do better.
My Salt Lake trip was pretty fun. I got to hang out and go to dinner with my two sisters, Brit and Aub... loved getting to see and hang out with them.. its nice to bond with them and it was great to see them. I love you girls so much!! I really have missed my family and sister time out here in Cali.
I got to see my parents for a short period of time.. wish it could have been longer.. but i love you guys and i hope you enjoyed your camping trip!!
OH my Owen was Adorable!!! It made me so happy to see him.. sigh

And Thursday was the best day of my trip. I picked up Dax and we went to my parents house to say goodbye to my dad and to Owen.. dad was busy so we tried not to bother him too much.. anyways.. Owen did all his tricks for Dax and I was so proud. Then we went out my my sisters house to see the kids!! We played on the tramp, hide and go seek and went for a walk to see the burned up house. Dax as always was so cute with them and had a hard time hiding for hide and go seek.. lol funny to walk by and just see him standing in the corner. lol. Anyways we went to our famous Carl's Jr drive thru.. lol last time we were there, some guy almost got in a fight with us.. this time around the rental cars alarm started going off while we were paying! it was weird!! and of course funny. We played along with tradition by going to a dollar movie..(wolverine) and then he and i had sushi with his family. I left for about an hour and then he and I went to hang with our friend Jen.

Jen and I have a tradition of driving down a road called north temple.. it runs along the great salt lake and is a stretch of road that is never patrolled and never has other cars.. it feels like its surrounded by nothingness and in the dark it gives a sense of freedom, openness and trust. We often would just drive and talk about anything and everything, laugh at everything and listen to a smattering of music. So Jen got a New (to her) t-top camero, so she drove. it was night time and i was in the back seat, Dax in the front and Jen of course driving. It was so fun but it also produced the best few minutes I think I've ever had in my life.


"A light less road, nothing but black and open space.
It was dark, clouds covered a night sky and lightning brought purple clouds to life.
We drove with the t- top, The warm summer wind blowing our hair.
Listening rock music so loud it hides the thunder.
Rain falls in my eyes as I raise my head and sing a song that resonates thru the speakers and my body.
The bass pumps thru my heart, or my heart pumps thru the bass?
All I know is I feel it.
My voice mixes with the rain, wind, the rock guitar and the engine's dull roar.
My hands above my head, touching the elements, as i lay face towards the sky, my head on the seat.
Drops fall on my eye lids, and I trust this feeling.
3 and a half minutes.
Never feeling so free or so hopeful.
The three of us are one and alone all at once and Everything is right with the world.
the song ends, the rain stops, but we remain.
Young and full of life. "


That's the closest I can describe it.. if that little poem is good enough.. maybe I'll put it in my book. Anyways, After our drive.. Jen had to go, so I hung out with Dax for about an hour after and then went back to the hotel. Overall..an amazing day.

I got to hang out with my good friends, Chloe', Amy and Ashley and I was so happy to see and chill with them for a bit. Amy and Ash just came to the hotel room and we all talked, and Chloe' and I got hot chocolates and talked and watched a funny south park. It was so nice to just relax with people I've known my whole life.

To start the trip, I went to St. George and Met up with my good friend James. We hung out with his family and we all went boating!! It was the first time I'd ever been and even through I'm a horrible swimmer, it was a blast! I hope that if there's a next time that I can try wake boarding!! I was too much a Chicken this time around. lol Anyways, it was fun and I truly enjoyed hanging out with Jeanene and the rest of James' Family.

The Trip was awesome and I guess I was really missed at work.. which is always nice. I'm Indifferent to being "home" in Cali.
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