Its been a while since my last post... things are going well here in St Gezzy. (lol) Christmas was good although I really really REALLY missed my family. I got a hour phone call with them and talked to everyone of them so that was nice. I felt bad because I couldn't make it up for Christmas... by the time the opportunity was given it would have been too late to change plans with out causing issues with other people. But overall I had a good Christmas. I got two amazing gifts that stand out above the rest. The first is the large sum of money my parents gave me for Christmas. It was such a blessing to get it and it is all going to bills and the eye doctor but I am so grateful for it and to be able to see again! I'm in need of new glasses and contacts so it all works out perfectly. The second gift I got was one from James. I had been needing a new journal for about a month and couldn't find one I liked (I'm very picky when it comes to journals. It can't have any words on it, like any quotes of inspiration or anything, not even titling it, journal.. I think that's so lame) Its gotta be big enough to write in, but small enough to carry in a bag. And not ugly! Pretty enough to make me want to write in it but not so pretty I feel I'm defacing it with my horrible hand writing. Picking out a journal is always very tough for me.. anyways, I was saying I was in the market for a new journal. So for Christmas James got me two! He prefaced the whole thing by saying i could return them and he would understand because he knows how picky I am over them.. But they were perfect and to be honest, much nicer than I would have ever gotten for myself. They both are Italian leather and smell amazing. Both are brown.. one dark brown with a hard back binding/cover.. its littler but looks just awesome. He said he got it for me because it looks like a real book and because the cuts in it look like architecture and he knows how I like buildings and things. the second book is a lighter brown with a bronze paint over it and it looks incredible. Both are gorgeous and perfect journals. It made for an awesome Christmas present because he put so much thought into it and it was a gift of something I needed, wanted, is useful and will last for years and not take up tons of space.

I'm trying to sale my car. its the biggest payment I have to make monthly and since I now work from home, its not like I really need it. If I do need a car I can always borrow one of the other 5 people's who live here or bum a ride from them or take the bus. 2010 I think will be my year of minimizing. After moving so much.. I've found I don't need half my stuff, and with lower pay and trying to afford to go back to school... it makes sense to try and lower all my bills.

Its been a really crazy year. A hard year. Getting through a divorce has pretty much sucked. Moving to Cali was a good thing as it made me figure a lot of things out about myself and its been crazy being on my own. I'm glad to be back in Utah and its weird to think I'm living in St George. I've truly learned to appreciate the value of my family. I miss all of the m everyday and It is so hard when I have to say i can't come visit for financial reasons. By far the weirdest turn of the new year has been me Dating James. He was going through a divorce long before I was and I never thought anything of it. I'd often talked with his mom through the years and when I said I was getting divorced she suggested he and I talk to each other... more for moral support, someone closer to my age going through the same kinda thing. He became a close friend and a comforting shoulder to call up. When he moved to LA to make sure I'd be safe I was shocked but also very happy to have a friend in that horrible place. Things progressed to where everyone thought they would and he and I began dating. He has helped me through a very hard time in my life and I am very grateful for his friendship and support. It is though him that I was able to move back to Utah and not worry about finding a place to live. Living with his family so soon into our new relationship is weird but not so bad... its a lot like in Cali when he had his room I had mine and we would hang out in the common areas.. except now his mom hangs out with us lol. It was been crazy and a trying year on many of us.. but I want to say thank you to my family.. thank you for always being there and for supporting my journey to happiness, espcially Brittany and Aubrie. You guys have been my constant support and I always look forward to talking with you both in the mornings. Thank you to Jessi for being my best Friend and for always listening and to James for helping me more then he could ever know and for being a good person and friend above everything else.

As I go into the new year I look forward to becoming a stronger and better me. overcoming more obstacles and learning Even more about my self.

The last year of my life has been one wild ride...

Between getting married and divorced, moving to L.A and now Back to Utah.. life has been full of new adventures.

This past weekend I moved to St George, UT. Its a very very nice change from gross L.A. My Dad told me before I moved to L.A. that it was the most disgusting city and I am now very inclined to agree.

Its also my first morning working from home and its awesome! I did not end up taking that secretary job and I'm hoping to get another one ( a second one) with a radio station down here soon.

Anyways that my quick little update.

Its looming ever closer! The move to St George is a week away! I'll be so happy to get out of California. Last weekend James and I went to St George to drop of some stuff and to do a job interview. This weekend We only stayed over night and the trip was literally to move stuff so there's more Room when Jeanene and Neil come up with the truck this Saturday. Then I'll be going, going, gone! YAY!

And I'll be moving into a very good situation. I'm going to be staying as a guest in the guest room as Jeanene's house until I can get on my feet. But I did get the job that i interviewed for a few weekends ago and I start that part time, on the last day of this month. I also have great news. I gave my two week notice to Metro and They offered me a few things to stay. I however do not want to be in Cali and I can't afford to live here. So I suggested that in a sense, Metro move with me. And they accepted. So I'll be going to St George keeping my job and working from home. and in the 6 hours between, working as a administrative assistant. Lots of work to help me get caught up on bills and hopefully move out faster. The last thing I want to do is over stay in Jeanene's home.

But I'm very happy with the situation I'll be going into and hopefully I'll be able to attend school in the fall and get things back on track.

Well so much has happened! As Aub knows, Halloween pics to be posted one day.. hopefully soon!

For Halloween My friend James and I briefly went to a haunted house-house party and then went driving around West Hollywood. It was so fun! He bought a nice suit and Was James Bond for Halloween and I wore my white slinky dress and Just said I was a bond girl. The house party was fun, they had a haunted house up the stairs and then had mad decorated their apartment. We got there early and only Hung out for like 15 minutes before we decided we wanted to go see what Halloween in Hollywood was like. We ended up just driving down packed streets looking at all the people dressed up in crazy costumes and walking up and down the street. James' car has a really nice/loud sound system so we played my thriller CD and danced in the car, the street and with people walking up and down the street. It was a blast!

In other news, I gave my two week notice to Metro last week. I move to St George Nov. 20Th. James is moving with me... He said the main reason he moved out here was so I'd "have a friend and wasn't alone out here, If I'm going there's no reason for him to stay." Its actually for the better because Jeanne is his mom and so He's gonna share a room with his brother and I'll get the guest room until I can get a place of my own out there. Its so nice of her to pretty much let me freeload until I'm settled. I plan on going to school in the fall (hopefully I'll be at a good enough job that i can afford my bills and rent and school.) I already have a job down there but it looks like it may be falling through so hopefully it doesn't or i find something else quickly!

Last weekend I went with James to the Sema Car show in Vegas. We stayed At his moms in st George Thursday night and drove to Vegas on Friday day. The show was fun and it was my first time as a 21 year old in Vegas. (lost 5 bucks playing slots) James' friend Dallon came with us and the boys bought me a buffet dinner... unlimited crab legs! Elk! Ostrich! It was the best buffet ever. Every plate of real food I got, I brought back a different amazing desert to eat with it! lol.
Anyways, Vegas was fun and We ended up staying in St George until Sunday day, It was nice to Hang out with Taylor (James brother) again. On Saturday I had a job interview and that's how I got the job that may or may not fall through. Came home Sunday night and back to work Monday morning!

That's pretty much the update!

Its been a while. Not much has been going on.. a few weeks ago the roommates held a poker party/tourney. Give you one guess who won. :D The extra 120 bucks was nice. Went to bills of course.. gotta love being an adult! Its funny, the other girl roommate, Jeanet, (the owner of the house with her boyfriend who also lives there) shes a funny one. I think shes used to winning everything.. We played a board game the other day and I of course won... she wasn't too happy. then poker came around and She was acting all competitive... and of course my luck at cards and boardgames held true.. she wasn't too happy. :) haha It was Awesome.

My work is starting to feel like the titanic, so I'm not sure how much long we'll rearrange deck chairs. Guess we'll see what happens. Anyways, that's about it... happy Friday eve day!

Oh, Goodness, what a week. Yesterday, I over slept and was an hour late for work.. not good. things are OK now but I was worried about it. They sat me down and said don't make it a habit. SO this morning I had like 4 different alarms with different tones to wake me up. It worked. lol

"Disturbing trends directed at the president" are not disturbing trends, its speaking out against what some may find wrong. Most behavior directed to the President, good or bad, is due to presidential statements/actions, NOT racism. I am NOT a racist in any way and I believe I and others reserve the right to freedom of speech and we all should be able to speak our minds about politics without it being skewed as racist comments . You have a right to disagree, and I respect your views and opinions, but stating I'm a racist due to my opinion on political views just testifies to your ignorance on the issues at hand.

Now, I understand there are some people out there who, yes, they are racist and have come out with racist comments, however, Those few prejudice and ignorant people are not the representatives and voices of everyone, whether Democrats or Republicans. I find it very frustrating to have most comments skewed due to having an African American President. I am proud to have a black president and to know that our UNITED states of American have put aside many previous prejudices and become just that, more united. I may not agree with Everything the president says, does, or presents for public and political reform, but I am not Racist for disagreeing and having a different opinion. Thank you

So L.A sucks. Fall is my favorite season and here.. there is no change in weather!!! I hear all the weather reports for Salt Lake and its like "ugh!" I want rain and pretty leaves here!! So I'm very home sick. I miss my family , my friends and my dogs. I miss driving around in the rain and I miss home. I think I may even miss snow this year.. and We all know how much i dislike snow.

Anyways, now that rant is outta the way.. things are otherwise going OK. This weekend was nice, I just relaxed and cleaned and read a book called The Road... everyone had been telling me to read it and how awesome it is... I found it to be just OK. Every other page was a repeat of the theme and story line, just in a slightly different location. The overall setting dabbles in futuristic America and presents some scary but "could happen" situations, Although the author does not really tell how American got to that point...There were a few short lived exciting parts but they were just that, short lived and far between. I felt the author introduced characters.. not the build the plot but to bring something new to the book for about 3 pages. The thought behind the theme of the book is something human and real and The main character development is written well and is touching. However, I found the writing style not to my liking and felt it was poorly written but well hidden behind the imagery used to describe the world and emotions the characters live through. I would not recommend it unless you're an airplane reader and looking to read something a bit different and new... And even then, I doubt its entertainment value.

ha ha i just realized how essay/book review that last paragraph sounded... goodness, I need to go back to school.. sorry about that. lol anyways, I cleaned my room and did laundry and went to the store.. got spaghetti sauce, bread, butter, milk, cheese and tomato soup. So that should tide me over for a few days. ya grilled cheese and spaghetti. Well work is almost over for the morning..

Yay, its my favorite day of the week! I love Thursdays although Tuesdays are supposed to be my lucky day. I think I was born on a Tuesday... There's this site that goes into pretty extensive detail about your zodiac sign and It said Tuesday is my lucky day.. oh how odd to be born on that day too. Although I had to look it up on line.. My mom can remember the day of the week the other girls were born on but not me. lol Mom, It was a Tuesday! So I guess it was your lucky day too. ha ha

Speaking of lucky days.. yesterday being 9.9.9 was supposed to be lucky.. and damn was it!!??!!!

I decided to walk around the city my work is in.. Culver City and the area my work is in is very nice so it kinda has that sugar house vibe to it.. hip, safe and nice. So I'm just walking around checking out the shops and i got checked out by like 6 guys.. (kinda made my day) I got to actually talk on the phone with my best friend.. we usually write letters, emails, I.M, facebook, myspace or text. So hearing her voice was nice. lol Anyways, I'm walking around and when I get off the phone I walk by this shop that looks like its got these cake things and they look weird so I go in to investigate. Well... It turns out its like this gelato shop and they have like 16 different flavors.. the cake looking things turned out to be the gelato dishes.. (I have horrible eyesight.) So I ask the guy working there (good looking with gorgeous eyes) What it is and he proceeds to give me a sample of like each flavor. so I got Free ice cream! Then I bought a small dish and sat in the shop to eat it.. as I was sitting there I was looking at there drinks and he's like here and pours me two glasses of two different flavors. So he gave me free drinks too! After I finish up I leave and just start walking back again. When I get to my work, a co-worker says, I got an order of fries and I can't eat them, would you like them? So I got free fries too. There's a freebie table at my work where sponsors sometimes leave product out or people bring in fruit or donuts.. well I've been running very low on deodorant and they had dove deodorant out! So I got that for free as well. Then i came across a couple extra bucks and got to eat all you can eat sushi with my roommates. :) Got home, went to bed early and it was a great and very lucky day!!!

Anyways.. back to it being Thursday.. :)
I love Thursdays.. It means it's close to the weekend. There used to be Donut Thursdays. Thursday used to be Dax and Tay day... I just like Thursdays!

I got to talk to Dax for a little bit the other day, that was nice. Some weeks we talk every day and other times we don't talk for like a month. I've also got to talk to Chloe' a lot lately, which is also nice! Anyways, have a happy Thursday!

Firstly, Lets jsut get the pleasantries out of the way. Happy Labor Day.
Its like 6 am and I'm at work. (never been so bored in my life) If hell froze over, work would have me work and I'd write "no traffic but a few slick and icy spots.." There is literaly no traffic at all. no crashes.. nothing. Nothing for Portland or Salt Lake. So Horray for Yahoo, Facebook, Myspace and here. Thanks for keeping me entertained folks. :)

I was thinking about going to San Diego this weekend but decided against it due to the fact I'm poor as dirt. And I'm kinda glad I didn't go.. I don't think it would have been very fun for me. The roomies wanted to go to a beach, get drunk and play volleyball. And Who wants to go swimming or play volleyball with a bunch of drunk people? No fun. So instead I caught up on my Movie watching. Luckily the roommates have movies I haven't seen so no money was wasted on rentals. Also I'm hoping to hit up the library thats like five minutes away sometime this week.

Might go frisbee golfing this afternoon between shifts.. We'll see.

Its been a long week. Pretty much just working and sleeping. I'm excited to sleep in this weekend but I work on Monday so no three day for me, but I get paid double on Holidays so Thats pretty sweet. I did the P90X ab work out yesterday.. not feeling it yet... :( I may need to up the reps or work harder already. lol. the New roommates and I are thinking about going down to San diego for saturday but I don't know for sure yet.. I can't really afford anything right now so I doubt I'll go.

Anyways, thats about all...

i pivot slowing to see how the world has turned against me
stepping on slippery rocks as the current pushes me back
my bare feet sliding across the slick, smoothened rocks.
having been tumbled for centuries, i can take comfort in knowing they are smooth in the wisdom of the river.
i walk forward fighting against the force unstoppable
yet, i should be unstoppable too.
water drips from my skin as i step onto the earthy bar
droplets line and graze my naked skin
a smouldering steam lifts from the river as the heat rises,mixing with the impending storm.
twigs and moss line the ground
and the dirt sticks to the bottoms of my toes.
spread my arms out
a diameter of me.
the sky is muddied by graying clouds
Serene and unforgiving
the jade trees sway as a light wind blows my hair
a chill thrilling my spine
a sphere of browns, greens and grays, my earth swallows me whole
nothing here lighting like a LCD screen
the only lights are the overcast twinkles of rain on the greenery.
tears begin to fall from the natural ceiling
my eyelashes blink away the rain
walk to the trees for protection as i fold my wings in and watch my world with perfect contentment.

I thought I'd write about an image I often imagine. There was a place kinda reminds me of this and once when camping I took my neice and nephews to see it. I told them it was where the fairies lived. It was along a small stream on an overcast day. the ground was covered in moss and twigs and it felt like fairies really could live there. anyways, my poems probably suck but i thought i'd try to work more on the imagery of the scene as oppossed to the emotions surrounding it. Anyways, have a good weekend and be safe.

I miss the smell of Old Spice and cigarettes. I truly think its the best smell in the world. Nothing can calm me down faster than the smell of a Marlboro and the lingering hint of old spice. Nothing smells as sweet and musty. Getting pulled into a tight hug, this smell envelops me and i want nothing more than to stay here forever. Its a smell I associate with trust, fun, laughing. intelligence, friendship and love. Not the kind of love that is romantic, but the kind of love that is friendship, brotherly/sisterly love. Knowing he will always be there for me... knowing he sees my crazy and still hangs around and calls me friend. Saving me from myself when no one could. Old Spice and Cigarettes.... Dax.


a poem about the old days when I just got my car..

"Driving in a old car, beaten and having seen better days, much like the driver.
Gray hues collapse onto mountain tops and the wipers sweep away the rain.
Fast paced moving.. down town skyscrapers still fall prey to gods tears.
Windows stained and dripping onto the crowd of umbrellas below.
My car is fast enough to get me to the canyon roads, with fall colors shaped by wetness.
I think of where I've been and where I'm at.
All I know is where I'm going, and that's towards the darker cloud's safety in danger.
reckless enough to take my time and rational enough to know better.
The trees and mountain walls line this two lane hwy, and my headlights are on, leading me back to where you and I were..
the memories of dancing in your arms. smelling crisp and fresh rain.
take me back to you.
This road may lead no where but it has helped me see past my fears and onto the rainy day ahead. "
I'll go home and sit curled up looking out the tear stained window and wait for you to come back to me. "

So Yesterday was a good night. I made myself a list of grocery items and planned out meals. So I'm pretty proud of myself. I now have a list of all the foods I need to make Chicken Cordon Bleu with Cheese Broccoli, Chicken Parmesan with Spaghetti and Salad with Garlic Bread, Cheese Enchiladas with Wild Rice, French Toast with Eggs, Baked Potatoes with Steamed Veggies, and Grilled Cheese with Tomato Soup. Today I will go thru the paper at work and thru my coupons at home and see what I can find to make my food buying experience a bit cheaper. :)

So this weekend I went to my first L.A club. Gotta say.. serious let down. The music (the DJ more specifically) totally sucked. it was crowded but no one was dancing and it was way over priced to park and to get in. I was shocked.. The clubs in Utah were far better than this "stand and sway to crappy music" place. I went with my roommates and it was way fun to hang with them but like I said the club... wow it sucked.

The rest of my weekend was mostly spent catching up on sleep. reading and just hanging out.

I know I go on and on about how I miss my Owen But last night I was just hanging out and I suddenly thought about the first day I got him.. I put on classical music (they say it makes babies smarter, so i figured why not!?!) in the car and he rode on my lap the whole way home. He got car sick and it was sad but still cute. He was such a little fluff ball. That night My niece and Nephews came to see him and we were trying to decide on names.. the kids kept on wanting to play with him and he'd just tuck his tail between his legs and hide behind me.. Even then I was the one he hid behind... I decided to name him Owen because a) it kept up with the English named dog bit... (the other two are Riley and Nigel) and b) because he seemed so timid. It's been almost a year since I got him and I wish so so so bad he could have moved with me. Anyways, yeah. I just miss my baby.

well that's about it..

My Salt Lake rainy sunset pic

I know that with the economy and everything, we're all falling on hard times. I have a sister who may face loosing her home soon, I live pay check to paycheck, and still seem to owe some money somewhere. Even outside of economics, things seem to be hard for everyone. I know my family and myself are struggling with the highly likely death of my grandma any day now, and we all have our own personal battles we're facing as well. In short we are all on hard times. My only hope is that one day things will get better.. One day we will all be ahead, be able to not worry so much about fiances, or about ever-looming death. In my own personal battles, two songs come to my mind.. the first is Fast Car by Tracy Chapman. A song about always hoping and working for better but never really being able to reach it. The second song is called Incomplete. Its by Alanis Morissette. A little more hopeful I must say. It talks about how one day she'll be who is wants and where she needs to be in life. So to all of us on these hard times... I know it feels difficult and some days, hopeless but one day we'll all feel complete and our hard work, love and dedication will bring us peace.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4-8WE6YizE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMshi2aS3-o

Fathers day is fast approaching, and I won't deny I sincerely miss my dad. Not just because Fathers Day is approaching either. I have found over the past few months that I really miss him and all he did/does for me. I keep having these little revelations when I'm just driving or having a hard time. Revelations of how much alike we are, or how much I miss the things I used to take my sweet time doing. Like going out and working in the yard, on the roof or on a car. On bad days I find myself wishing I could just go out in the yard, have my dad hand me a job and hang with him and the dogs. I miss riding motorcycles and listening to Big County,(sorry dad, yes I did steal that CD.. ) and Lately I've gotten into a country mood, listening to county reminds me of my dad too. I Know he and I have had our tempers get the best of us, but now I see that's just another similarity. We both have tempers from hell, both quick to forget/forgive once we've settled the situation for ourselves, (not realizing the other person may still be pissed... used to drive me crazy and now I see I'm exactly the same way). We both are good with our hands and I find myself needing to fix things to calm down some days... We both are always hitting our heads and look good in hats.. lol. And I look like my mom but when I smile my eyes get all squinty like my dads. I'm proud to be a Proctor and come from a hardworking family line. I know my dad has always worked hard to support our family and has always supported me, whether in school, sports or life. Thank you Dad.

I know my dad loves me and honestly, I miss feeling that when I walk in the room. I never paid it attention until I couldn't feel it, out here.

So I guess with Fathers Day this weekend its the perfect time to say I miss and love my Dad.

Wow, its already 3 days into June! Where has the time gone? I'm Excited For the summer months here in L.A, although the last few days have been rainy and cloudy, (which I'd take any day over sunny weather!!) Anyways, I haven't had much a chance to take my bike out and about but hopefully this weekend!

I experienced a power outage in my home this past week. It was out for over 24 hours.. Turns out my landlord forgot to pay the deposit on the power... Funny thing, Everyone of my roommates were out of town for the weekend so I had a power outage all to myself! It wasn't too bad but I refused to clean out the fridge.. it was the landlord's (who lives at the house) fault and I didn't have any food in the fridge anyways. Gotta admit I was ticked that I had to deal without power all because of his irresponsibility, I can't wait til August. That's when my lease is up and I've been looking online at some places, (most in the same neighborhood or right off the beach) a few that are without roommates (hopefully I'll have the money for that! I'd like my own space and kitchen and bathroom!), also a few that are private and all I'd share would be the kitchen.

I'm looking to get into a place where I can have Owen But It will all depend on what I can afford by the time August rolls around.

Dave is talking to me a bit more, he still hasn't sent me the divorce paperwork, he says he needs to get an attorney to do it. That's fine with me but I'm itching to get it over with so I can move on better. There are hard days and some easier days, I just never thought my life would turn so quickly.

Got a phone call from my sister the other day, it was good to hear from you Brit, Sorry I had to go and then things got busy when I was home.. :( Love you!

Anyways, car pictures coming soon.. just been lazy. lol Love you all!!

Well it seems to be the time for new and me. I recently got a new car (a 2006, scion XA), a new bicycle and some new clothes. I needed the new car... my old escort was shaking like crazy and it worried me that with my crazy hours and it being a new-ish work place for me that if it broke down it would be worse than just a break down. My new car is under warranty as well as it runs like a dream. Its nice to have a car that I don't have to worry about!!

I also got a new bike yesterday!!!! My best friend out here, JT, bought me a sexy orange beach cruiser! I had been wanting one ever since I moved here... there is a bike shop right on the corner of my street and they had the prettiest orange, curvy (Schwinn -like) frame. Well I've been saving my money and telling Jt about it.. and she surprised me by sending it to my house!!!! Its so pretty!! I can't wait to get a basket, a boom box and cruise down the beach!!!

I also splurged and got myself a new sundress the other day. :)

Thats about it. I'm excited for the weekend and to get our on my bike!!!

So I wake up at 3 in the morning to go to work. my 3:30 I'm out the door and walking on the street to my car. The street is well lit and i always feel very safe when walking to get to my car.. now i get, its L.A and i shouldn't be lured into a false sense of security, but i find it funny that when I'd leave my house in SLC at 4:30 in the morning, i'd be scared to go to my car that was in my driveway, where i had my dogs also keeping watch.... a little odd.

Anyways, don't know if you've heard but we've had a few earthquakes here recently. There was one last.. I think Sunday. It shook my whole house and moved a big grandfather clock, from against the wall to 6 inches away from it. It was crazy. Then a few days later we had another little one while I was at work. Welcome to earthquake season... lol I actually have no clue if there is a season for earthquakes, I find it doubtful. oh well at least its not tornado and/or hurricane season. lol but there, maybe thats that false sense of security again... I don't believe in earthqauke season lol

not the best picture, but shows the color well!.. Coincidence.. wearing a tank top.. LOL